Sometimes I get stuck in the past. I love history, I have a degree in it, so it makes sense that I would enjoy the past, but looking back, holding on to what was doesn’t exactly work well in life. It’s almost like playing the same movie over and over again (which I do with my favorite movies) and never seeing anything new.
If I am real I have to admit that I don’t like change very much. It’s not comfortable, it’s not familiar, it isn’t “safe” and just when I get use to the change, it changes again. So I have to start the process of adjustment all over again, and sometimes I just choose not to play along. I fight the reality, keeping both fists firmly wrapped around the past. Of course I always lose that battle, because I can’t hold on to something that is no longer there.Relationships are one of those areas for me. They are alive, and ever changing. New people come in and out of all of our lives all of the time. We never know how they might impact us, or what they will one day mean to us. We have new interests grow in our hearts as do those we love, so we have to adjust to changes in ourselves and in others. We have to be willing to change with those we love, so that we can continue to have a relationship with them, and we hope they do the same for us.
This looking backward can really hurt friendships. Too often we want to hold onto what things were once like, look to the past and reject the alterations that are a part of any healthy relationship. This backward gaze also means wounds are remembered. A good memory might be a strength when recalling names, dates and places from history, but it is not an asset when it comes to forgiving and forgetting.
I am a forgiving person, giving second, third, forth, fifth chances, but in order to protect myself I begin to map out the injuries that have been inflicted on me by those I care about. I notice the patterns played out by the person hurting me. I start to defend myself against the pain, and in the process lose my ability to forgive. If I cannot give someone a blank slate, then I have not forgiven them. I am always watching, always protecting, always noticing certain actions, and planning a defense.
There have been times when I have really believe in my heart that I have forgiven a person, only to discover from a bitter comment or a stray thought that I have not. And from experience, I don’t believe I am the only one who struggles in this area.
As humans, our inability to truly forgive makes long term relationships difficult to maintain. All of us hurt each other all of the time. We have sin natures that rear their ugly heads at times and dictate our actions. When that happens we sin against those we love. If they are unable to let go of the hurt we have caused them, the relationship will not move forward in a healthy manner. As years pass with unhealed wounds, defenses go up higher and higher.
As I considered the way we remember, the way I remember, and the pain reliving actions others have taken against causes us, I thought of Psalm 103:12,
...as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
When I looked up that Psalm and I read: The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love, He will not always accuse nor will He harbor his anger forever, He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth so great is His love for those who fear Him: as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
Yet there is one who accuses, and roams the earth to dig up “dirt” on all of us. He attempts to sully our names, going before God like he did when he attempted to accuse Job of being less than he was. Satan is always dragging up our pasts. He is the one who uses those sins against us, and if we let him he can use those sins to make us doubt our worth before God. But that is the reason our God put Psalm 103 in the Bible, as well as the book of Job. The accuser of the believers can accuse us all he wants, but it’s never going to stick because Jesus already paid for our lives and nothing we have done, nor will ever do will separate us from the love of God.
You might be wondering how this relates to my love of history and my inability to adapt to change, well I realized that if I am unable to let go of the past, I am unable to forgive, and if I can’t forgive, I can’t love others with a heart of abandon. If I am always protecting myself, walling off to protect my heart, well I won’t let anyone in and I surely won’t go out to them. By not letting go, I am playing the role of accuser, even if I am not accusing anyone openly, I am accusing them in the conversations I have in my head and those conversations separate me from others. I realized when I don’t forgive, that I am aligning myself with the accuser.
But, if I live like my Father, I accept people at face value. I forgive them, and remove their transgressions toward me as far as the east is from the west, never throwing those hurts at them again, either literally or in the deep recesses of my mind. I set them free from their sin, and in the process set myself free. Is there a person, maybe a spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, a co-worker that you need to really forgive for a sin (maybe years of sin) they committed against you, and not just forgive, but forget. Forget, and let the wall you have built around your heart as a defense against further pain fall, in order for you to move out of the past and into a new life, a healthy life with the ability to grow deeper, closer relationship with those you love, as well as with those you haven’t yet met.
Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits – who forgives all your sin and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Ps. 103:2-5
