Conflict Resolution

What patters do you display when you are in conflict with someone? I have set patterns, but those patterns change over time and I have different patterns with different people.

When my husband and I were first married, I was confrontational. I would pursue matters, argue, and try to draw him out. You see, he was the withdrawer then. Over the years however, we have traded styles of dealing with strife in our marriage. My husband moved toward direct confrontation and I began to avoid it, but I never fully gave up my right to stand and fight if I needed to make a point.

This system worked okay, I mean we are still married after 20 years, but now that our kids are older, we have both started to realize that it is not the best way to resolve issues. I have had godly woman after godly woman enter my life over the years, and each one has added to my understanding of how to be a woman who lives out her faith in the hardest of places, at home and more specifically within the confines of marriage. One of these women taught me a principle it has taken me 19 years to begin to grasp.

Her name was Judy Weston, and at the time, I was sure if pictures were in the Bible that hers would be the one to represent Proverbs 31. She homeschooled, was a quiet and gentle spirit, loved her husband with a sure yet submissive heart, and cared about other women, teaching them to care for their husbands and children. Okay, maybe her picture should have been in Titus 2 as well. Anyway, she taught a group of young married women, at our church in Sherwood, Arkansas, one key conflict resolution tactic that is sure to work. She taught us the “I” statement method of communication.

Judy was amazing at it. She would throw one after another out in class and we would all scratch our heads certain that we could never attain her style of mild, reserved discussion. Now, if you are not sure what I mean by “I” statement communication, I will give you a couple of scenarios of husband/wife conflict, with one said the negative way and the other in the positive “I” form.

Your husband continues to forget to put his underwear in the basket after he takes a shower. You find yourself constantly picking them up and wondering why. The dirty clothesbasket is three steps away from the shower door. You would like him to start putting them in the right place just to keep the mess down. You are starting to feel like his maid instead of his wife.

Negative: You are the biggest slob in the world. Have you lost all ability to pick up your own underwear? I am not your maid, so start to pick up your own dirty laundry.

Positive: I am starting to feel overwhelmed with the amount of clutter that seems to build up on a daily basis around the house. I am trying to cut down on the clutter in our bathroom lately. Do you have any ideas about a better system to help me out with this problem?

Your husband was short with you at a dinner party, and you were embarrassed. How should you address the subject?

Negative: You are such a jerk. How could you talk to me like that in front of all those people? Never talk to me that way again.

Positive: Honey, I was so hurt tonight after the way you spoke to me. I felt small and unloved. I know you would never mean to make me feel that way.

The “I” form is non-accusatorial. It conveys feelings, without attack. This method can still be quite strong, but it is far less likely to seem like an assault on the other person.

It has taken many years for me to learn how to speak in a positive way to my husband when I am upset. One of the best ways to make sure you are avoiding the negative form of addressing an issue is by removing yourself from a heated argument and taking time to think rather than to react.

Proverbs is filled with wonderful truths about how best to deal with conflict or tense situations. Her are just a few:

A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 15:1

Patience is better than power; controlling one’s temper than capturing
a city. 16:32

When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls
his lips is wise. 10:19.

Remember, it takes time and practice to learn how to work things out in the best way, so don’t feel discouraged when you mess up. I am no Judy Weston and I have now been married as long as Judy was at the time she was teaching all of us. I have learned the “I” form, but sadly, fail to use it a great deal of the time. I can thankfully see the change the Lord and the teaching of godly women have made in my life. I have moved from being confrontational to avoiding conflict to finally learning to resolve issues in a much godlier manner.