One Day Not Forever

My daughter was in a car wreck with my Mom about a year and a half ago. She was sitting in the backseat, my other little girl was in the front (older car, no airbags), when the accident took place. No one was injured, just bumps and bruises, but the car looked bad. When the ambulance arrived, the medics strapped everyone down to backboards and transported them to the hospital. This was the most traumatic part of the whole wreck.

Since that day, my daughter has been rather nervous riding in the car. She watches constantly out the window, flinching every time someone pulls out in front of us. She has become frightened in other areas of her life as well, and at times does not want to even ride her bike because she is afraid something might happen.

One day we were driving to ballet, and a truck turned at a light in front of us. There was never any danger of hitting the truck, or the truck hitting us, but my daughter gasped and said, “Why did he do that?”

I said, “He had plenty of room. It was fine that he turned at the light. It is okay, you don’t need to worry.”

I tried to hide my frustration, but I am sure a little of it came out. You see, for the past many months we have been comforting her, assuring her, and calming her down every time we ride with her in the car. It has gotten to the point that she is questioning our driving as well as the driving of everyone around us. Thankfully the Lord gave me wisdom instead of angry frustration to share with her.

As she asked why that truck turned in front of us, the fact that she has only been in one car accident entered my mind. I asked her to count the number of car accidents she has ever been a part of.

She said, “One.”

I then asked, “How old are you?”

She said, “Nine.”

I responded, “How many days a year do you ride in the car.”

She said, “About every day.”

Finally I said, “Well, there are about 365 days in a year, and you are nine. So, nine times 360 (taking off some for days not in the car), is 3240 days. You have had one day with one accident, so 3239 days have had no accidents, right?”

She said, “Right.”

I then asked, “So should you always be worrying you will have an accident or should you look at all the days you haven’t had an accident?"

I then heard her voice, lighter than I have heard it for a while, say, “Oh, but I am worried about the next time.”

I said, “Honey, don’t worry about the next time, think about all the times you haven’t been in a wreck. Think on those things.”

After our conversation, I realized that all of us tend to be like my little girl, at least some of the time. One painful event, one harmful person, one agonizing experience traps us. We wait, looking for that car that is going to hit us, all the while missing the hundreds of cars driving around us safely. We so want to be ready for the pain that we live the pain repeatedly hoping that will somehow help us avoid it the next time. We start obsessing, playing things out in our head, replaying the wreck and for some very strange reason we take comfort in doing so. Somehow we believe that we have control if we obsess because at least we have thought through every possible part of a bad situation, but in reality all we have done is imprisoned ourselves in a world of fear.

That is the exact opposite of what God wants from us and for us though.

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all the other things will
be given to you. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will
worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matt. 6:33-34

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and might and a SOUND
MIND. 2 Tim 1:7

No matter how much we worry, obsess, or try to avoid pain, we can’t add one day to our lives. We can only live the moment we are in, and if we look up from our pain, our fear for long enough we might just be able to see the bigger picture of the life God has for us. Instead of reliving a painful time in our lives, we need to think about all the safe, good days we have lived. Sadly, we end up living in the past, worried about a future event that in all probability won’t happen. We focus on one wreck, and miss the other 3239 days of safety.

I pray that my little girl’s relieved, “Oh, but….” will be a move in the right direction, and that she can sit in the car like any other little girl and feel safe.

If there is a painful day that your life is centered around, I pray that you would count the number of your days and place those painful moments inside the context of your over all life. Wouldn’t it be so much better if we could see the world from that vantage point, instead of the prison bars we have allowed our past pain to build around us. Ask Jesus to set you free.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper
you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

How to Save a Life

I praise my God that in Christ there is forgiveness, restoration, and healing for not just our souls, but our relationships as well. If that were not the case, no relationship would ever last.

Related to this need for healing in friendship is a song by The Fray called How to Save a Life. I listen to it when I am struggling with someone in my life, and it reminds me of my own faults and the need to listen instead of trying to prove that I am right. Too often I believe that I am right, that I have the corner on the truth in any given situation, and don't take the time to see things from the other persons perspective.

And it is in that rightness the we most often hurt relationship, because pride dictates rightness not love. Love is actually absent when pride takes the lead. If we are concerned about the direction a friend is headed, about a choice they are making or have made, it is in humility that we need to approach them. But when we feel we are "right" we come to them in judgement, and we aren't going to "save" anyone that way.

The Fray song says, "As he goes left and you stay right...you begin to wonder why you came." And within these words conflict resides, and friend are turned into enemies. Instead of the path of rejection, in genuine friendship there needs to be less of a pull to the "right" and a bit more left leading, if that left means more listening, and less condemning.

The song, How to Save a Life, came from an experience the lead singer heard about while working at a youth counseling camp. "Slade [lead singer of band] claims that the song is about all of the people that tried to reach out to the boy [at the camp he was working at] but were unsuccessful. As Slade says in an interview, the boy's friends and family approached him by saying, "Quit [the problem behavior] or I won't talk to you again," but all he needed was some support. The verses of the song describe an attempt by an adult to confront a troubled teen. In the chorus, the singer laments that he himself was unable to save a friend because he did not know how." (Wikipedia)

Lyrics: How to Save a Life

Step one you say we need to talk, He walks, you say sit down it's just
a talk. He smiles politely back at you, you stare politely right on through.
some sort of window to your right. As he goes left and you stay right. Between
the lines of fear and blame you begin to wonder why you came.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness
and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.

Let him know that you know best cause after all you do know best. Try
to slip past his defense without granting innocence. Lay down a list of what is
wrong the things you've told him all along, and pray to God he hears you and
pray to God he hears you.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness
and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a
life.

As he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours and grant him one last
choice. Drive until you lose the road or break with the ones you've followed. He
will do one of two things he will admit to everything or he'll say he's just not
the same and you'll begin to wonder why you came.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, somewhere along in the
bitterness and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save
a life.

Powerful visual of how we often interact with those we love, with those we deeply care for. We draw a line in the sand, and tell them it is our way or the high way. It is in bitterness instead of sincere compassion that we wrestle with one another, but I find great peace in knowing that my song ends much differently than that of The Fray.

I, like them, understand that I don't have the ability to save a life, nor a relationship. I am utterly helpless in this. Where I differ from their conclusion is in the fact that I know who does. Jesus knows How to Save a Life. He is the only one who does. Jesus does not come to us in rightness, nor judgement, nor condemnation nor in pride but instead He says:

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in
heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden
is light. Matt. 11:29-30

We too need to be gentle and humble in heart. If we are, then we will reveal to others Christ and in that we will be able to show them the only One who can save a life.

Good Company

Is there someone in your life that just makes you a better person? I mean when you are around them you learn what it means to live well. They do not just tell you what you are doing wrong (if they are a good friend they will tell you this occasionally), they tell you what you are doing right too. They live out their faith in a real and tangible way. They do not sit back and point their fingers at everyone else, because they realize how sinful they themselves are, but they do not use their own weakness as an excuse not to help others learn from their mistakes. They actually care about you, and your well-being. They are not in the relationship for what they can get out of it. They love you in an honest and real way.

When you spend time with them, you know that it is time well spent. You are inspired to live like them, and to learn from their example. They help you become a better wife, mother, daughter, friend and most of all follower of Christ. It seems that no matter whom they are with, they are godly, faithful, always pointing others to Jesus.You might wonder if you were left without them what you would do, what you would be like. When you do not get to spend large amounts of time with them, you feel like you are drifting away from where you need to be. You might doubt your own strength or heart.That is when you remember that Jesus gave you this person not as a replacement for Himself, but as an example of one totally devoted to Him, therefore a good example to follow. Just as Paul wrote to those he ministered to, “imitate me as I imitate Christ”, so too, if you have a friend like this, you have been given a modern day Paul to learn from. Know that no matter where you go, you will walk even closer to Jesus because such a faithful friend once guided you.

Lloyd recently said, each of us needs to have a Paul in our lives to walk ahead of us in faith as a guide. He then said that we also need someone to walk beside us, someone not ahead of us nor behind us in our maturity, but someone right with us in Jesus. Finally, he said that we need a Timothy to lead. Someone we are leading toward a deeper and more intimate relationship with Jesus.

I have often had overlapping friendships, where my friends and I trade places, sometimes we are walking side by side, other times they are holding my hand leading me in the right direction, and still other times I am leading them. The key to these relationships is that we are all looking in the same direction. No matter who is leading or who is following, we always have the set goal of walking together in pursuit of Jesus.

Who is your Paul, your Barnabas, your Timothy? Don’t take them for granted. They are gifts from God. Keep good company so that you might continue to grow in your faith and obedience. As you do that, you will be to someone else what your friend has been to you. You will become a good example for someone else, and one day they will imitate you, as you imitate Christ

Tonight my little girl had a tooth hanging by a thread that simply needed to be pulled. You know the kind of tooth that is actually sticking out between the lips even though the mouth is closed. She needed to let me pull it so she could eat, but when I tried to get my fingers around her tooth, she firmly closed her mouth into a thin line and I am pretty sure that even if I had a crowbar I wasn’t getting to that tooth. I gently talked to her, cajoled her, comforted her, spoke firmly to her, but to no avail. She would not obey my request to open her mouth. You see she was afraid.

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and said, “Mommy I scared.” Those words hit my heart. I hugged her, said that it would be alright, that she didn’t need to be afraid. It wasn’t going to hurt any more than the last one had, but then she said, “But Mommy, the blood.” I kneeled down next to her and said, “It will be okay hunny, the bleeding will stop. Mommy loves you and I just want to help you.” She sat for a minute and then she looked up at me and said, “Okay Mommy.” Finally the locked jaw opened and she let me pull her tooth.

Why didn’t she just open up right away and let me do the simple task of removing her barely “there” tooth? You see, she hadn’t yet decided to trust me. Her desire for self-protection over road anything I could say or do. She had to decide to trust me. She had to come to the conclusion that I was going to do what was best for her even if it hurt a little. Once she did that she was able to surrender to my well meaning intentions. She realized that I loved her and would take care of her.

After she went to bed (with no pain and very little bleeding), it hit me that we are no different. We cry, kick, scream in order to keep our “loose tooth” intact when in all reality we would be much better off without it. Our “loose tooth” can be any number of things, maybe a ministry we need to let go of, a friendship that needs to change, a child we need to surrender, an unaccomplished goal that is stealing our joy, and our Father is kneeling beside us telling us it will be okay, that He loves us, that He will pull it out quickly, with only a little bit of blood being lost.

If we trust Him, we will let Him pull our “loose tooth”. Our desire for self-protection will be met once we understand that our Father is acting in our best interest. When we accept that He loves us and will take care of us, we can finally surrender, because He can be trusted. So, the next time you have to pull one of your little one’s teeth, consider what teeth are loose in your own life. Consider which tooth your Heavenly Father is trying to pull so something new, healthier and more solid can take its rightful place in your life.

Conflict Resolution

What patters do you display when you are in conflict with someone? I have set patterns, but those patterns change over time and I have different patterns with different people.

When my husband and I were first married, I was confrontational. I would pursue matters, argue, and try to draw him out. You see, he was the withdrawer then. Over the years however, we have traded styles of dealing with strife in our marriage. My husband moved toward direct confrontation and I began to avoid it, but I never fully gave up my right to stand and fight if I needed to make a point.

This system worked okay, I mean we are still married after 20 years, but now that our kids are older, we have both started to realize that it is not the best way to resolve issues. I have had godly woman after godly woman enter my life over the years, and each one has added to my understanding of how to be a woman who lives out her faith in the hardest of places, at home and more specifically within the confines of marriage. One of these women taught me a principle it has taken me 19 years to begin to grasp.

Her name was Judy Weston, and at the time, I was sure if pictures were in the Bible that hers would be the one to represent Proverbs 31. She homeschooled, was a quiet and gentle spirit, loved her husband with a sure yet submissive heart, and cared about other women, teaching them to care for their husbands and children. Okay, maybe her picture should have been in Titus 2 as well. Anyway, she taught a group of young married women, at our church in Sherwood, Arkansas, one key conflict resolution tactic that is sure to work. She taught us the “I” statement method of communication.

Judy was amazing at it. She would throw one after another out in class and we would all scratch our heads certain that we could never attain her style of mild, reserved discussion. Now, if you are not sure what I mean by “I” statement communication, I will give you a couple of scenarios of husband/wife conflict, with one said the negative way and the other in the positive “I” form.

Your husband continues to forget to put his underwear in the basket after he takes a shower. You find yourself constantly picking them up and wondering why. The dirty clothesbasket is three steps away from the shower door. You would like him to start putting them in the right place just to keep the mess down. You are starting to feel like his maid instead of his wife.

Negative: You are the biggest slob in the world. Have you lost all ability to pick up your own underwear? I am not your maid, so start to pick up your own dirty laundry.

Positive: I am starting to feel overwhelmed with the amount of clutter that seems to build up on a daily basis around the house. I am trying to cut down on the clutter in our bathroom lately. Do you have any ideas about a better system to help me out with this problem?

Your husband was short with you at a dinner party, and you were embarrassed. How should you address the subject?

Negative: You are such a jerk. How could you talk to me like that in front of all those people? Never talk to me that way again.

Positive: Honey, I was so hurt tonight after the way you spoke to me. I felt small and unloved. I know you would never mean to make me feel that way.

The “I” form is non-accusatorial. It conveys feelings, without attack. This method can still be quite strong, but it is far less likely to seem like an assault on the other person.

It has taken many years for me to learn how to speak in a positive way to my husband when I am upset. One of the best ways to make sure you are avoiding the negative form of addressing an issue is by removing yourself from a heated argument and taking time to think rather than to react.

Proverbs is filled with wonderful truths about how best to deal with conflict or tense situations. Her are just a few:

A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 15:1

Patience is better than power; controlling one’s temper than capturing
a city. 16:32

When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls
his lips is wise. 10:19.

Remember, it takes time and practice to learn how to work things out in the best way, so don’t feel discouraged when you mess up. I am no Judy Weston and I have now been married as long as Judy was at the time she was teaching all of us. I have learned the “I” form, but sadly, fail to use it a great deal of the time. I can thankfully see the change the Lord and the teaching of godly women have made in my life. I have moved from being confrontational to avoiding conflict to finally learning to resolve issues in a much godlier manner.

Impact of Image

Little do we know the impact our world has on our lives and the lives of our families. My husband and I tend to limit the exposure our children have to mass media. We monitor the things they watch, listen to and read, but there is only so much any of us can do to keep the world from them.

Jesus knew this. He did not pray that His disciples would be removed from the world. “I am not praying that You take them out of the world, but that You protect them from the evil one. They are not of this world, as I am not of the world. Sanctify them by the truth; Your Word is truth” (Jh. 17:14-15).

The need to pray these same words for my kids hit me last weekend. I was hanging out with the three of them in their room. They were playing all around me, but often times what happens when I am available to them is that the door for conversation about their hearts and lives opens up.

One of them said, “Mom, I have something to tell you. You might get mad at me though.”I responded, “Go ahead, I won’t get upset.”

She said, “Well, Mom when I look at pictures of other people I feel embarrassed by you. I think you aren’t as pretty.”

I said, “You mean like pictures in magazines or on TV?”

She said, “Ya, you don’t look as nice as they do.”

I wasn’t hurt for myself (parents are the pride of their children, Prov. 17:6), but instead for her. She is little noticing all kinds of things, and what is going to happen when she is thirteen and moves from comparing me to the women in magazines and starts to compare herself. I have had years of practice accepting myself (not always successfully), whereas she is just at the beginning. She has a standard of perfection she is holding me to, that no one will ever reach, not even the models in the magazines.

Thankfully thought the door for open, loving and safe communication is already there between us. My son and other daughter both opened up with all the same kind of feelings that their sister had just shared. We talked about the unreal expectation society projects…buff, ripped, muscles, perfect bodies, and unblemished faces.

I then shared with them the struggles actors and models face. I didn’t go into eating disorders, but we talked about steroids and plastic surgery, and what these things do to their bodies. Then we talked about their hearts. How people in these areas of life have such a huge focus on appearance that the slightest comment about their looks throws them into an unhealthy pattern of trying to reach perfection.

They seemed to get a little of this. Then we talked about what God looks at. That He looks at the heart not the outside like people do.

When I talked to Shon about the kids questions, he had them watch a YouTube video which shows a model at her most basic level, no makeup, hair not fixed, plain, and her transformation to a billboard super model. From her physical makeover in the studio to the computer makeover that moved her eyes, checks and the rest. We are in a visual society, and this visual made an impact that all my explanations never could.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcFlxSlOKNI

Romantic Adultery

In Matthew 5:27-28 Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Jesus was clearly addressing men in this portion of the Sermon on the Mount. He said that mentally taking a woman in a lustful way is no different than actually sleeping with her.

It is easy for us as women to AMEN the pastor who preaches Jesus’ words from Matthew 5. We shake our heads in agreement; as the men are told that they are sinning when they take that second look at the woman jogging down the street or consciously linger over the woman in a bikini at the pool, looking at her through their sunglasses. Our security, as women and wives, is stolen every time our husband stares at a magazine covered with the cleavage of some actress, while we stand next to him in line at the grocery store. When we hear the words of Jesus spoken to our men by the pastor on a Sunday morning, we feel protected. We are thankful someone is defending us against the sadness that arises in our hearts when we realize that we are not attractive enough to hold the gaze of the man we gave our lives to on the day we said, “I do.”

However, ladies, the message Jesus conveyed is not just for men. Sadly, when we hear it preached we rarely think of ourselves, our own moments of indiscretion, and our own thoughts of infidelity. We listen, all the while sitting next to our husbands in a “holier than thou” position, elbowing them in the ribs, giving them a sidelong glance, making sure they are taking in every word, all the while not hearing the Spirit move in our own hearts because we think we don’t have any issues in this area.

Every act of sin begins with a decision, so if a man takes that second look, he made a decision to take it, and at that moment, he chose to remove his wife from the center of his desire and put that other woman in her place.

In like manner, any time a woman romanticizes about a man other than her husband, she is choosing to replace her husband with a figment of her imagination. If she then allows that figment to live at the center of her affection, she will become more and more discontented with her own husband, and will either continue to live in the false romance of her mind or actually decide to seek out her dream man elsewhere.

To women, Jesus could have just as easily been saying, “You have heard it said, ‘You shall not commit adultery; but I say to you that every woman who willfully causes a man to look upon her with lust has already committed adultery in her heart; whoever talks about how hot the guy in the movie she just watched with her girlfriends, has already committed adultery in her heart; whoever dreams she is married to the character in the novel she is reading instead of to her husband has already committed adultery in her heart; whoever flirts with men in order to feel good about herself, has already committed adultery in her heart….”

Mental adultery is just as real for woman as it is for their male counter-parts, but it does not always manifest itself in the same way. Don’t get me wrong, we notice attractive men, and in our modern day world, of visual stimulation and coed living, we women have become predators in our own right. Equality does not simply mean equal pay for equal work anymore. No, it means catcalls, crude comments, hitting on men, and making a big deal about the hot guy who walked by the window at work. Women now watch television or movies and notice the physique of the male lead just as much as his caring demeanor.

Once, men like Humphrey Bogart, Spencer Tracy, and Jimmy Stewart captured the hearts of female audiences, but now being sincere, strong and caring is not enough. Leading men have to be as “beautiful” as their female costars.

Women also know that their physical appearance draws attention. We like to be looked at, and when that desire to be noticed becomes the focus, well anything goes.

This is where we cause men to stumble the most. If we understood how much of a draw we are to them, how God created them to be stimulated through sight, we would make different choices in how we dress and how we act. Instead of just the tank top, we would put a jacket on over it. Instead of a bikini, we would wear a one-piece suit. Instead of the low cut blouse, we would wear a crewneck top.When we draw the knowing look, the lingering stare, we have achieved our goal of being worshipped, but in so doing, we have caused a man to commit adultery. When looked at in those terms, we might just decide to dress for our husbands and please them, leaving all the other men to be pleased by their own wives.Add to this heightened sense of sight and physical awareness, a woman’s desire for romance, and the door for adulterous thoughts is thrown wide open.

Romance for a woman is not simply candy, flowers and romantic midnight strolls. It is a man who loves her unconditionally, provides for her physically and emotionally, protects her heart as well as her life, and willingly lays down his life for her on a daily basis. The problem is that this romantic hero does not exist, well he does exist, he is just not human, so what tends to happen to most women with this fictional version of their dream man is disappointment. Too often we, as women, allow fictional characters to place an unrealistic version of the real thing into our minds and hearts. So, when our husbands come home from work, throw their clothes on the floor, sprawl out in the recliner, turn on ultimate fighting, and ask us what’s for dinner, our romantic and real worlds collide, and if we aren’t careful, the romantic version will win out and replace the real thing.

The act of adultery begins in the mind, but the spark arises in the heart. It is the location of our romantic sensibilities, and out of it flows the issues of life. Whatever we have been holding onto, meditating on, allowing to enter into our feelings, will flow from our hearts into our minds. Once we have given into our own selfish desires, there is little to stop us moving forward with something we never thought we were capable of doing.

No matter how discrete we believe ourselves to be, we are still hurting our spouse, ourselves and the heart of God, when we choose to allow another person to come between us and our mate, no matter how real that other person may or may not be.Jesus finished up his warning on lustful thoughts by saying, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”

So, if Jack Bauer (24), Jack Shephard (Lost), Tom Wells (Smallville), Hugh Jackman, or Christian Bale causes lust to build up in you, cut them off. If the gym makes you look at other men, stop going. If you are fantasizing about your kid’s teacher or your friend’s husband, then stop spending time with them. If Facebook connected you with an old boyfriend, whose marriage just fell apart, do not accept his friend request. If the book series you are reading causes you to create a fake man to be in love with, throw it away. It is better to lose some money, experience rejection, miss some entertainment, or gain some weight after quitting the gym than to suffer the consequence for your lustful decision.

Our husbands aren’t stupid. They are one with us, so even if we are simply daydreaming about another man, they will know and there will be pain in our marriages.In the end, mental adultery is not about our husbands, it does affect them, but it is not about them. No, when we are lusting for other men, the real problem is our relationship with Jesus. Romantic or visual lust is sin, and all sin is rebellion against God, so, when we struggle with impure thoughts, we know our heart is not right. We have taken our focus off our Savior and placed it on ourselves. Self-focus leads to self-gratification, but there is no such thing as self-gratification, we always want more.

Truly, what we are looking for cannot be found nor met by a man. The desire to be loved unconditionally, provided for physically and emotionally, to have our hearts as well as our lives protected and cared for by someone who willingly laid down his life for us can only be found in Jesus.