Romantic AdulteryIn Matthew 5:27-28 Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Jesus was clearly addressing men in this portion of the Sermon on the Mount. He said that mentally taking a woman in a lustful way is no different than actually sleeping with her.
It is easy for us as women to AMEN the pastor who preaches Jesus’ words from Matthew 5. We shake our heads in agreement; as the men are told that they are sinning when they take that second look at the woman jogging down the street or consciously linger over the woman in a bikini at the pool, looking at her through their sunglasses. Our security, as women and wives, is stolen every time our husband stares at a magazine covered with the cleavage of some actress, while we stand next to him in line at the grocery store. When we hear the words of Jesus spoken to our men by the pastor on a Sunday morning, we feel protected. We are thankful someone is defending us against the sadness that arises in our hearts when we realize that we are not attractive enough to hold the gaze of the man we gave our lives to on the day we said, “I do.”
However, ladies, the message Jesus conveyed is not just for men. Sadly, when we hear it preached we rarely think of ourselves, our own moments of indiscretion, and our own thoughts of infidelity. We listen, all the while sitting next to our husbands in a “holier than thou” position, elbowing them in the ribs, giving them a sidelong glance, making sure they are taking in every word, all the while not hearing the Spirit move in our own hearts because we think we don’t have any issues in this area.
Every act of sin begins with a decision, so if a man takes that second look, he made a decision to take it, and at that moment, he chose to remove his wife from the center of his desire and put that other woman in her place. In like manner, any time a woman romanticizes about a man other than her husband, she is choosing to replace her husband with a figment of her imagination. If she then allows that figment to live at the center of her affection, she will become more and more discontented with her own husband, and will either continue to live in the false romance of her mind or actually decide to seek out her dream man elsewhere.
To women, Jesus could have just as easily been saying, “You have heard it said, ‘You shall not commit adultery; but I say to you that every woman who willfully causes a man to look upon her with lust has already committed adultery in her heart; whoever talks about how hot the guy in the movie she just watched with her girlfriends has already committed adultery in her heart; whoever dreams she is married to the character in the novel she is reading instead of to her husband has already committed adultery in her heart; whoever flirts with any man who comes along in order to feel good about herself, has already committed adultery in her heart….”
Mental adultery is just as real for woman as it is for their male counter-parts, but it does not always manifest itself in the same way.
Don’t get me wrong, we notice attractive men, and in our modern day world, of visual stimulation and coed living, we women have become predators in our own right. Equality does not simply mean equal pay for equal work anymore. No, it means catcalls, crude comments, hitting on men, and making a big deal about the hot guy who walked by the window at work. Women now watch television or movies and notice the physique of the male lead just as much as his caring demeanor. Once men like Humphrey Bogart, Spencer Tracy, and Jimmy Stewart captured the hearts of female audiences, but now being sincere, strong and caring is not enough. Leading men have to be as “beautiful” as their female costars.
Women also know that their physical appearance draws attention. We like to be looked at, and when that desire to be noticed becomes the focus, well anything goes. This is where we cause men to stumble the most. If we understood how much of a draw we are to them, how God created them to be stimulated through sight, we would make different choices in how we dress and how we act. Instead of just the tank top, we would put a jacket on over it. Instead of a bikini, we would wear a one-piece suit. Instead of the low cut blouse, we would wear a crewneck top.
When we draw the knowing look, the lingering stare, we have achieved our goal of being worshipped, but in so doing, we have caused a man to commit adultery. When looked at in those terms, we might just decide to dress for our husbands and please them, leaving all the other men to be pleased by their own wives.
Add to this heightened sense of sight and physical awareness, a woman’s desire for romance, and the door for adulterous thoughts is thrown wide open. Romance for a woman is not simply candy, flowers and romantic midnight strolls. It is a man who loves her unconditionally, provides for her physically and emotionally, protects her heart as well as her life, and willingly lays down his life for her on a daily basis. The problem is that this romantic hero does not exist, well he does exist, he is just not human, so what tends to happen to most women with this fictional version of their dream man is disappointment. Too often we, as women, allow fictional characters to place an unrealistic version of the real thing into our minds and hearts. So, when our husbands come home from work, throw their clothes on the floor, sprawl out in the recliner, turn on ultimate fighting, and ask us what’s for dinner, our romantic and real worlds collide, and if we aren’t careful, the romantic version will win out and replace the real thing.
One woman I was well acquainted with fell down this romance trap. She stopped seeing the value of her husband and replaced their relationship with one of her own creation. She began fantasizing about one of her friend’s husbands. She saw how this man lavished gifts on his wife and kids, how softly he spoke to his wife, how he romanced her, and provided for her every need. Mentally she began to rearrange marriages. She took the place of her friend, and began to live out her friend’s life in her romantic imaginings. The illusion of this “perfect” husband filled not only her waking thoughts, but also her unconscious dreams.
Within a couple months, this woman began to pursue the man of her dreams, and for his part, had he heeded the words of Jesus, that to look upon a woman lustfully is to commit adultery, he would have saved himself, his family, this woman, her family and their church family a great deal of pain. Instead, he allowed her physical beauty, as well as her desire for him to overwhelm his judgment. They walked into an adulterous relationship, and made plans to abandon their families so that they could be with “the one person, they were meant to be with”.
When I confronted this woman, I pointed out something she had seemed to miss. I said, “If this man is so good, and loving, and utterly perfect as a husband, how can he do what he is doing to his wife? If he can take this most selfish of acts, leaving his wife for you, what makes you think he won’t leave you for someone else?”
It was not his physical appearance that caused her to abandon her children and husband. No, she had so built this man up in her mind that she was willing to destroy everyone’s lives in order to have her fantasy. Once the Lord revealed her sin to her, and she rejected the course she had set for herself, she began to realize that this man was not what she had made him out to be in her own world of perfection. She found that her husband was the greatest romantic in the world. He forgave her infidelity, her claim on another man, and accepted her back as his wife.
The act of adultery begins in the mind, but the spark arises in the heart. It is the location of our romantic sensibilities, and out of it flows the issues of life. Whatever we have been holding onto, meditating on, allowing to enter into our feelings, will flow from our hearts into our minds. Once we have given into our own selfish desires, there is little to stop us moving forward with something we never thought we were capable of doing. No matter how discrete we believe ourselves to be, we are still hurting our spouse, ourselves and the heart of God, when we choose to allow another person to come between us and our mate, no matter how real that other person may or may not be.
Jesus finished up his warning on lustful thoughts by saying, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”
So, if Jack Bauer (24), Jack Shephard (Lost), Tom Wells (Smallville), Hugh Jackman, or Christian Bale is causing you to lust, cut them off. If the gym makes you look at other men, stop going. If you are fantasizing about your kid’s teacher or your friend’s husband, then stop spending time with them. If Facebook connected you with an old boyfriend, whose marriage just fell apart, do not accept his friend request. If the book series you are reading causes you to create a fake man to be in love with, throw it away. It is better to lose some money, experience rejection, miss some entertainment, or gain some weight after quitting the gym than to suffer the consequence for your lustful decision. Our husbands aren’t stupid. They are one with us, so even if we are simply daydreaming about another man, they will know and there will be pain in our marriages.
In the end, mental adultery is not about our husbands, it does affect them, but it is not about them. No, when we are lusting for other men, the real problem is our relationship with Jesus. Romantic or visual lust is sin, and all sin is rebellion against God, so, when we struggle with impure thoughts, we know our heart is not right. We have taken our focus off our Savior and placed in onto ourselves. Self-focus leads to self-gratification, but there is no such thing as self-gratification, we always want more.
Truly, what we are looking for cannot be found nor met by a man. The desire to be loved unconditionally, provided for physically and emotionally, to have our hearts as well as our lives protected and cared for by someone who willingly laid down his life for us can only be found in Jesus. He is the only one who can meet our every need, and satisfy our hearts desire.
Study Guide
Read the following three passages, and compare and contrast the way each woman handled herself as she related to David. Look at her heart attitude, her discretion, her wisdom, her devotion to her husband, and decide based on your observations, where her focus was.
Michal - 2 Samuel: 6
Abigail - 1 Samuel: 25
Bathsheba – 2 Samuel: 11-12
Which woman, if any did you relate to in your study and why?
Have you or are you now struggling with discontent in your marriage, in your personal life, in your attitude toward God and others?
Has that discontent led you into romantic or emotional sin? If so, pray and ask God to bring spiritual healing to your heart, as well as to your life and marriage.
Father, I pray that You would move in each one of our lives, causing us to understand that Jesus is the only one who can satisfy our deepest desires and needs. If there is sin in the area of lust in our lives, forgive and take it from us. Allow us to place our eyes as well as our hopes on Jesus, and give us an undying passion for our husbands. For those of us who are not married, keep our hearts pure and holy and set apart for You. Do not let us justify looking at or fantasizing about men whom You have not given to us. Be the center of our hearts. In Jesus name, Amen.
