Good Company

Is there someone in your life that just makes you a better person? I mean when you are around them you learn what it means to live well. They do not just tell you what you are doing wrong (if they are a good friend they will tell you this occasionally), they tell you what you are doing right too. They live out their faith in a real and tangible way. They do not sit back and point their fingers at everyone else, because they realize how sinful they themselves are, but they do not use their own weakness as an excuse not to help others learn from their mistakes. They actually care about you, and your well-being. They are not in the relationship for what they can get out of it. They love you in an honest and real way.

When you spend time with them, you know that it is time well spent. You are inspired to live like them, and to learn from their example. They help you become a better wife, mother, daughter, friend and most of all follower of Christ. It seems that no matter whom they are with, they are godly, faithful, always pointing others to Jesus.You might wonder if you were left without them what you would do, what you would be like. When you do not get to spend large amounts of time with them, you feel like you are drifting away from where you need to be. You might doubt your own strength or heart.That is when you remember that Jesus gave you this person not as a replacement for Himself, but as an example of one totally devoted to Him, therefore a good example to follow. Just as Paul wrote to those he ministered to, “imitate me as I imitate Christ”, so too, if you have a friend like this, you have been given a modern day Paul to learn from. Know that no matter where you go, you will walk even closer to Jesus because such a faithful friend once guided you.

Lloyd recently said, each of us needs to have a Paul in our lives to walk ahead of us in faith as a guide. He then said that we also need someone to walk beside us, someone not ahead of us nor behind us in our maturity, but someone right with us in Jesus. Finally, he said that we need a Timothy to lead. Someone we are leading toward a deeper and more intimate relationship with Jesus.

I have often had overlapping friendships, where my friends and I trade places, sometimes we are walking side by side, other times they are holding my hand leading me in the right direction, and still other times I am leading them. The key to these relationships is that we are all looking in the same direction. No matter who is leading or who is following, we always have the set goal of walking together in pursuit of Jesus.

Who is your Paul, your Barnabas, your Timothy? Don’t take them for granted. They are gifts from God. Keep good company so that you might continue to grow in your faith and obedience. As you do that, you will be to someone else what your friend has been to you. You will become a good example for someone else, and one day they will imitate you, as you imitate Christ

Tonight my little girl had a tooth hanging by a thread that simply needed to be pulled. You know the kind of tooth that is actually sticking out between the lips even though the mouth is closed. She needed to let me pull it so she could eat, but when I tried to get my fingers around her tooth, she firmly closed her mouth into a thin line and I am pretty sure that even if I had a crowbar I wasn’t getting to that tooth. I gently talked to her, cajoled her, comforted her, spoke firmly to her, but to no avail. She would not obey my request to open her mouth. You see she was afraid.

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and said, “Mommy I scared.” Those words hit my heart. I hugged her, said that it would be alright, that she didn’t need to be afraid. It wasn’t going to hurt any more than the last one had, but then she said, “But Mommy, the blood.” I kneeled down next to her and said, “It will be okay hunny, the bleeding will stop. Mommy loves you and I just want to help you.” She sat for a minute and then she looked up at me and said, “Okay Mommy.” Finally the locked jaw opened and she let me pull her tooth.

Why didn’t she just open up right away and let me do the simple task of removing her barely “there” tooth? You see, she hadn’t yet decided to trust me. Her desire for self-protection over road anything I could say or do. She had to decide to trust me. She had to come to the conclusion that I was going to do what was best for her even if it hurt a little. Once she did that she was able to surrender to my well meaning intentions. She realized that I loved her and would take care of her.

After she went to bed (with no pain and very little bleeding), it hit me that we are no different. We cry, kick, scream in order to keep our “loose tooth” intact when in all reality we would be much better off without it. Our “loose tooth” can be any number of things, maybe a ministry we need to let go of, a friendship that needs to change, a child we need to surrender, an unaccomplished goal that is stealing our joy, and our Father is kneeling beside us telling us it will be okay, that He loves us, that He will pull it out quickly, with only a little bit of blood being lost.

If we trust Him, we will let Him pull our “loose tooth”. Our desire for self-protection will be met once we understand that our Father is acting in our best interest. When we accept that He loves us and will take care of us, we can finally surrender, because He can be trusted. So, the next time you have to pull one of your little one’s teeth, consider what teeth are loose in your own life. Consider which tooth your Heavenly Father is trying to pull so something new, healthier and more solid can take its rightful place in your life.

Conflict Resolution

What patters do you display when you are in conflict with someone? I have set patterns, but those patterns change over time and I have different patterns with different people.

When my husband and I were first married, I was confrontational. I would pursue matters, argue, and try to draw him out. You see, he was the withdrawer then. Over the years however, we have traded styles of dealing with strife in our marriage. My husband moved toward direct confrontation and I began to avoid it, but I never fully gave up my right to stand and fight if I needed to make a point.

This system worked okay, I mean we are still married after 20 years, but now that our kids are older, we have both started to realize that it is not the best way to resolve issues. I have had godly woman after godly woman enter my life over the years, and each one has added to my understanding of how to be a woman who lives out her faith in the hardest of places, at home and more specifically within the confines of marriage. One of these women taught me a principle it has taken me 19 years to begin to grasp.

Her name was Judy Weston, and at the time, I was sure if pictures were in the Bible that hers would be the one to represent Proverbs 31. She homeschooled, was a quiet and gentle spirit, loved her husband with a sure yet submissive heart, and cared about other women, teaching them to care for their husbands and children. Okay, maybe her picture should have been in Titus 2 as well. Anyway, she taught a group of young married women, at our church in Sherwood, Arkansas, one key conflict resolution tactic that is sure to work. She taught us the “I” statement method of communication.

Judy was amazing at it. She would throw one after another out in class and we would all scratch our heads certain that we could never attain her style of mild, reserved discussion. Now, if you are not sure what I mean by “I” statement communication, I will give you a couple of scenarios of husband/wife conflict, with one said the negative way and the other in the positive “I” form.

Your husband continues to forget to put his underwear in the basket after he takes a shower. You find yourself constantly picking them up and wondering why. The dirty clothesbasket is three steps away from the shower door. You would like him to start putting them in the right place just to keep the mess down. You are starting to feel like his maid instead of his wife.

Negative: You are the biggest slob in the world. Have you lost all ability to pick up your own underwear? I am not your maid, so start to pick up your own dirty laundry.

Positive: I am starting to feel overwhelmed with the amount of clutter that seems to build up on a daily basis around the house. I am trying to cut down on the clutter in our bathroom lately. Do you have any ideas about a better system to help me out with this problem?

Your husband was short with you at a dinner party, and you were embarrassed. How should you address the subject?

Negative: You are such a jerk. How could you talk to me like that in front of all those people? Never talk to me that way again.

Positive: Honey, I was so hurt tonight after the way you spoke to me. I felt small and unloved. I know you would never mean to make me feel that way.

The “I” form is non-accusatorial. It conveys feelings, without attack. This method can still be quite strong, but it is far less likely to seem like an assault on the other person.

It has taken many years for me to learn how to speak in a positive way to my husband when I am upset. One of the best ways to make sure you are avoiding the negative form of addressing an issue is by removing yourself from a heated argument and taking time to think rather than to react.

Proverbs is filled with wonderful truths about how best to deal with conflict or tense situations. Her are just a few:

A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 15:1

Patience is better than power; controlling one’s temper than capturing
a city. 16:32

When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls
his lips is wise. 10:19.

Remember, it takes time and practice to learn how to work things out in the best way, so don’t feel discouraged when you mess up. I am no Judy Weston and I have now been married as long as Judy was at the time she was teaching all of us. I have learned the “I” form, but sadly, fail to use it a great deal of the time. I can thankfully see the change the Lord and the teaching of godly women have made in my life. I have moved from being confrontational to avoiding conflict to finally learning to resolve issues in a much godlier manner.

Impact of Image

Little do we know the impact our world has on our lives and the lives of our families. My husband and I tend to limit the exposure our children have to mass media. We monitor the things they watch, listen to and read, but there is only so much any of us can do to keep the world from them.

Jesus knew this. He did not pray that His disciples would be removed from the world. “I am not praying that You take them out of the world, but that You protect them from the evil one. They are not of this world, as I am not of the world. Sanctify them by the truth; Your Word is truth” (Jh. 17:14-15).

The need to pray these same words for my kids hit me last weekend. I was hanging out with the three of them in their room. They were playing all around me, but often times what happens when I am available to them is that the door for conversation about their hearts and lives opens up.

One of them said, “Mom, I have something to tell you. You might get mad at me though.”I responded, “Go ahead, I won’t get upset.”

She said, “Well, Mom when I look at pictures of other people I feel embarrassed by you. I think you aren’t as pretty.”

I said, “You mean like pictures in magazines or on TV?”

She said, “Ya, you don’t look as nice as they do.”

I wasn’t hurt for myself (parents are the pride of their children, Prov. 17:6), but instead for her. She is little noticing all kinds of things, and what is going to happen when she is thirteen and moves from comparing me to the women in magazines and starts to compare herself. I have had years of practice accepting myself (not always successfully), whereas she is just at the beginning. She has a standard of perfection she is holding me to, that no one will ever reach, not even the models in the magazines.

Thankfully thought the door for open, loving and safe communication is already there between us. My son and other daughter both opened up with all the same kind of feelings that their sister had just shared. We talked about the unreal expectation society projects…buff, ripped, muscles, perfect bodies, and unblemished faces.

I then shared with them the struggles actors and models face. I didn’t go into eating disorders, but we talked about steroids and plastic surgery, and what these things do to their bodies. Then we talked about their hearts. How people in these areas of life have such a huge focus on appearance that the slightest comment about their looks throws them into an unhealthy pattern of trying to reach perfection.

They seemed to get a little of this. Then we talked about what God looks at. That He looks at the heart not the outside like people do.

When I talked to Shon about the kids questions, he had them watch a YouTube video which shows a model at her most basic level, no makeup, hair not fixed, plain, and her transformation to a billboard super model. From her physical makeover in the studio to the computer makeover that moved her eyes, checks and the rest. We are in a visual society, and this visual made an impact that all my explanations never could.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcFlxSlOKNI

Romantic Adultery

In Matthew 5:27-28 Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Jesus was clearly addressing men in this portion of the Sermon on the Mount. He said that mentally taking a woman in a lustful way is no different than actually sleeping with her.

It is easy for us as women to AMEN the pastor who preaches Jesus’ words from Matthew 5. We shake our heads in agreement; as the men are told that they are sinning when they take that second look at the woman jogging down the street or consciously linger over the woman in a bikini at the pool, looking at her through their sunglasses. Our security, as women and wives, is stolen every time our husband stares at a magazine covered with the cleavage of some actress, while we stand next to him in line at the grocery store. When we hear the words of Jesus spoken to our men by the pastor on a Sunday morning, we feel protected. We are thankful someone is defending us against the sadness that arises in our hearts when we realize that we are not attractive enough to hold the gaze of the man we gave our lives to on the day we said, “I do.”

However, ladies, the message Jesus conveyed is not just for men. Sadly, when we hear it preached we rarely think of ourselves, our own moments of indiscretion, and our own thoughts of infidelity. We listen, all the while sitting next to our husbands in a “holier than thou” position, elbowing them in the ribs, giving them a sidelong glance, making sure they are taking in every word, all the while not hearing the Spirit move in our own hearts because we think we don’t have any issues in this area.

Every act of sin begins with a decision, so if a man takes that second look, he made a decision to take it, and at that moment, he chose to remove his wife from the center of his desire and put that other woman in her place.

In like manner, any time a woman romanticizes about a man other than her husband, she is choosing to replace her husband with a figment of her imagination. If she then allows that figment to live at the center of her affection, she will become more and more discontented with her own husband, and will either continue to live in the false romance of her mind or actually decide to seek out her dream man elsewhere.

To women, Jesus could have just as easily been saying, “You have heard it said, ‘You shall not commit adultery; but I say to you that every woman who willfully causes a man to look upon her with lust has already committed adultery in her heart; whoever talks about how hot the guy in the movie she just watched with her girlfriends, has already committed adultery in her heart; whoever dreams she is married to the character in the novel she is reading instead of to her husband has already committed adultery in her heart; whoever flirts with men in order to feel good about herself, has already committed adultery in her heart….”

Mental adultery is just as real for woman as it is for their male counter-parts, but it does not always manifest itself in the same way. Don’t get me wrong, we notice attractive men, and in our modern day world, of visual stimulation and coed living, we women have become predators in our own right. Equality does not simply mean equal pay for equal work anymore. No, it means catcalls, crude comments, hitting on men, and making a big deal about the hot guy who walked by the window at work. Women now watch television or movies and notice the physique of the male lead just as much as his caring demeanor.

Once, men like Humphrey Bogart, Spencer Tracy, and Jimmy Stewart captured the hearts of female audiences, but now being sincere, strong and caring is not enough. Leading men have to be as “beautiful” as their female costars.

Women also know that their physical appearance draws attention. We like to be looked at, and when that desire to be noticed becomes the focus, well anything goes.

This is where we cause men to stumble the most. If we understood how much of a draw we are to them, how God created them to be stimulated through sight, we would make different choices in how we dress and how we act. Instead of just the tank top, we would put a jacket on over it. Instead of a bikini, we would wear a one-piece suit. Instead of the low cut blouse, we would wear a crewneck top.When we draw the knowing look, the lingering stare, we have achieved our goal of being worshipped, but in so doing, we have caused a man to commit adultery. When looked at in those terms, we might just decide to dress for our husbands and please them, leaving all the other men to be pleased by their own wives.Add to this heightened sense of sight and physical awareness, a woman’s desire for romance, and the door for adulterous thoughts is thrown wide open.

Romance for a woman is not simply candy, flowers and romantic midnight strolls. It is a man who loves her unconditionally, provides for her physically and emotionally, protects her heart as well as her life, and willingly lays down his life for her on a daily basis. The problem is that this romantic hero does not exist, well he does exist, he is just not human, so what tends to happen to most women with this fictional version of their dream man is disappointment. Too often we, as women, allow fictional characters to place an unrealistic version of the real thing into our minds and hearts. So, when our husbands come home from work, throw their clothes on the floor, sprawl out in the recliner, turn on ultimate fighting, and ask us what’s for dinner, our romantic and real worlds collide, and if we aren’t careful, the romantic version will win out and replace the real thing.

The act of adultery begins in the mind, but the spark arises in the heart. It is the location of our romantic sensibilities, and out of it flows the issues of life. Whatever we have been holding onto, meditating on, allowing to enter into our feelings, will flow from our hearts into our minds. Once we have given into our own selfish desires, there is little to stop us moving forward with something we never thought we were capable of doing.

No matter how discrete we believe ourselves to be, we are still hurting our spouse, ourselves and the heart of God, when we choose to allow another person to come between us and our mate, no matter how real that other person may or may not be.Jesus finished up his warning on lustful thoughts by saying, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”

So, if Jack Bauer (24), Jack Shephard (Lost), Tom Wells (Smallville), Hugh Jackman, or Christian Bale causes lust to build up in you, cut them off. If the gym makes you look at other men, stop going. If you are fantasizing about your kid’s teacher or your friend’s husband, then stop spending time with them. If Facebook connected you with an old boyfriend, whose marriage just fell apart, do not accept his friend request. If the book series you are reading causes you to create a fake man to be in love with, throw it away. It is better to lose some money, experience rejection, miss some entertainment, or gain some weight after quitting the gym than to suffer the consequence for your lustful decision.

Our husbands aren’t stupid. They are one with us, so even if we are simply daydreaming about another man, they will know and there will be pain in our marriages.In the end, mental adultery is not about our husbands, it does affect them, but it is not about them. No, when we are lusting for other men, the real problem is our relationship with Jesus. Romantic or visual lust is sin, and all sin is rebellion against God, so, when we struggle with impure thoughts, we know our heart is not right. We have taken our focus off our Savior and placed it on ourselves. Self-focus leads to self-gratification, but there is no such thing as self-gratification, we always want more.

Truly, what we are looking for cannot be found nor met by a man. The desire to be loved unconditionally, provided for physically and emotionally, to have our hearts as well as our lives protected and cared for by someone who willingly laid down his life for us can only be found in Jesus.

Good Gift

I laid aside a cute t-shirt and pair of shorts for my little girl. We were planning a wonderful day with friends, to celebrate her birthday, and I knew that she would want to look her best. I didn’t tell her about the outfit because I wanted it to be a surprise. I desired to take care of her without her having to ask. I did this out of love.


I was not able to keep the secret long though. My strong willed, "let’s make everything perfect" little girl asked me if she could wear a dress for our special day. My heart sank. I thought to say yes, but knew I had something new for her, something she would like (at least I hoped she would like), so I decided to say no to the dress.

She did not think this was the best answer, so she flopped on her bed in her most upset way, and started to cry. I was hurt, not wanting to spoil the surprise, but wanting her to understand I had something better for her. I told her to stop crying. In the hope of encouraging her heart, I let her know I had something new for her. Sadly, this did not please her either. She covered her ears, cried a hurt cry rather than her angry rant from earlier and said, “Mom, I don’t want you to tell me.”

I shook my head thinking, what in the world am I going to do with you. I then explained to her that her demand to get her own way ruined her present. She lost the joy of waking up to a new outfit because she couldn’t accept my "no". She quieted, accepting my words and settled down into her bed.

She received her new clothes in the morning, but miss out on the moment of surprise. The one that can only come when what you are experiencing is unexpected.

Her demand is really no different than our own. We work to make everything just "right", only to miss out on the amazing thing that could have won our hearts had we trusted the outcome to our Heavenly Father. His ways are so much better than ours. He has surprises all around us, to bring us joy and excitement, but we end up ruining their beauty because we can’t wait and we throw a fit to make sure we have our expectations met.

Our Father then presents us with His better way, and we are saddened because we wish He would have waited. In hindsight, we would have rather had it in His time. We end up hurting His loving heart, as well as our own selfish one, because we couldn’t believe that anyone could or would take care of our needs better than we ourselves could.

God doesn’t always show us our present right away. He wants to build expectation within us, so that He can surprise us with just the right thing at just the right moment. He desires to take care of us without us even having to ask. He does this because He loves us.

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he
asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know
how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in
heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matt. 7:9-11

The next time you are praying and get a “No” to one of your requests, try to avoid throwing yourself on the bed and pouting. Decide to trust that your Father loves you and has just the right "outfit" picked out for just the right moment. If you don’t wait, you might miss out on the joy that goes along with the gift He laid out just for you.

Esther Principle

Yesterday, was the day before payday at my house. It is always somewhat tense when the last paycheck is gone and you are waiting for the next one. It was also the day I picked up the APS bill (electric bill) from the mailbox. If you live in Arizona, you know that my two-week tension was on overdrive as I opened the electric bill.

I slid my finger along the slit of the envelope, and held my breath as I pulled the bill from its walls. I closed my eyes, whispered a prayer, and as my eyes focused on the black print, I gasped at the three-digit number that was staring me in the face. The kids all heard the gasp and came running toward me. My son ran off after hearing the frightening news to make sure every light and fan was off in the house. Then we all stood there staring at the number, not knowing what number would be on the paycheck we were waiting for.

My husband was at work, so he did not get to share in the “excitement” of the moment. Usually at these times of wonderful stress, I feel the need to share my concerns with my husband, or should I say share my panic-stricken cries. But yesterday I actually listened to the Lord. I waited, and I prayed.

Now the paycheck amount was already determined, it just had to be issued, but I prayed anyway. Then I started the “figuring” game. If this amount comes in, I will be able to tithe, I can pay these bills, set this amount aside for food and gas (a lot larger amount than I had to set aside a few months ago), and that is it. I looked at the figures on my paper and shook my head. I know things come up, things that need to be taken care of, and it was going to be tight with that enormous electric bill suspended over my head.

My husband called and visited with me for a while, and the upset feelings about the APS bill came flooding in, past my throat, over my tongue, and finally through my teeth, but my lips held fast. I didn’t blurt out $418. I knew I needed to tell him sometime, but not then, not until we saw what our check looked like. Then we could come up with a game plan together. When we hung up, I blew the air I had been holding in my lungs out, and went back to my coupons.

The next morning I checked our bank account, and cried. The Lord knew what our APS bill was going to be even before it was written. He knew our need and met it. I thanked Him for providing for me, and as soon as my husband was up, I thanked him for all his hard work. He just said, “It’s not me, it’s God.”

And I said, “Ya, I know. I already thanked Him, and wanted to thank you too.” Then I asked him, “Did you see the APS bill?”

He said, “Yes,” with a sigh but not anxiety or worry. Had I told him the night before he saw his paycheck, he would have been upset at work, thinking of ways to make more money, and he would not buy something he really needed for work. At that moment I saw a tangible reason as to why it is always good to wait and to pray.

That is where the Esther Principle comes in. Queen Esther needed to bring a tense issue to the King. She didn’t want to have to talk to him about it, because it had to do with his closest advisor. She was sure that he would side with this man over her, but finally realized that no matter what she had to do the right thing.

She didn’t run into the Kings chamber, crying, overcome with fear. Instead, she prayed. She took three days to fast, to deny herself, and make her body submit to her will, training herself to make her emotions submit in the same way. Following her time of fasting, Esther (endangering her life) asked the King to a banquet, along with his royal advisor. She served her King, met his needs and did not throw her problems before him.

Esther finally chose the right time to tell the King of her need and of the needs of a large group of his people. She invited him again to eat with her, and as he sat with her, he asked her if she needed anything (he had done the same things the night before and that is when she invited him to dine with her again), and at this point she handed her need to her husband. She told him of the evils his advisor was planning to carry out throughout his kingdom.

Esther no longer had to carry the burden of this wicked plan alone. Her husband was there to care for her in her time of need, but was not overwhelmed by her emotions in the process. Esther took time to gain God’s perspective on her need, and was then able to pass that same perspective to her husband, to her King. The King did not side with his royal advisor. He took up the cause of his wife and saved her life as well as the life of thousands of people.

Just like Esther, we can go to our husbands with issues that are of great concern to our families, or to us. We need to remember that we should first go to our Father. He will grant us the peace we need in those times, so that we can share our need without overwhelming everyone around us. . When we present hard things to others, with God’s perspective, those things won’t dominate our lives or our relationships.

We, like Esther, need to fast and pray so that we train our bodies as well as our emotions to submit to the peace and patience of God. We need to wait and pray, “then the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus, our Lord.”
If you want to learn more about Esther and her amazing story, check out the book of Esther. It is a short read, but one that holds a powerful message of obedience as well as God’s provision for His people.